Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
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the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
