Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*