Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*