Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone