Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds