Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
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I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Fluff me with a fork baby
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.