Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

Xylophonist Shredding It

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv