Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I am crying
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
