Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
When I laugh on my period
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
