Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

Still a very good boi….

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”