Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
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“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?