Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
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Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Rather alarming headline…
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.