Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Me irl
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.