Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

handsome & gretel

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently