Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what