Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I’m Sold!
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.