Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.