Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Not today, today.
Not today.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle