thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
always be there
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.