Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘