Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

When I can’t barge, I careen.

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

They’re the worst 😩

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

Good morning, Twitter x

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.