Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
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[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you