Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.