Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
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Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
The Punning Dead.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
So true for me
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
