Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
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Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time