Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.