Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.