Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
New tinder profile pic
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
The devil.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
