Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
☠️
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
