Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
