Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Haha good job!!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
