thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
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Why are bridges so flammable.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
the clam before the storm
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes