thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
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Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”