thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.