thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.