thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
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“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too