Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
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I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad