Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
honestly, i need both:
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.