Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
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Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.