Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Bruh PLEASE
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither