Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket