Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
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When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I think my mom just blocked me
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”