Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
sin harder.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.