Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Beauty and the Beast
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
watching gymnastics
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it