thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.