thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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Hot Panini is in big trouble
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
going to bed
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Somebody’s lying.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then