Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I wanna be friends with this person
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid