Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
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my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH