thinking about this
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Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I think about this a lot
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I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
#CoronaOutbreak
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.