thinking about this
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Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.