thinking about this
You Might Also Like
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.