Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
