Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

A Monday every week is excessive

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets