Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded