thinking about this moment

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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.


So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.


I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart


Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?


if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.

thanks & God bless


My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.


-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.


Can I get an amen?

Can I get a b-men?

Can I get a c-men?
CME–*the whole church laughs*


I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.