Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
You Might Also Like
*limbos away from your hug*
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy