Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
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No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice