I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
thinking about when my mom and I saw LOTR in theaters and at one point she turned to me and whispered “this could never happen”
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BOSS: why were you late?
ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Whenever I see someone popping out of the sun roof of a car, I think they are a modern Centaur with a car for a bottom half.
Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”