@PamNotAnderson

thinking about when my mom and I saw LOTR in theaters and at one point she turned to me and whispered “this could never happen”

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@VerbsRProudest

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

@AndyAsAdjective

BOSS: why were you late?

ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic

@fart

my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

@wolfpupy

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

@Royal_Stein

Whenever I see someone popping out of the sun roof of a car, I think they are a modern Centaur with a car for a bottom half.

@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

@GrantTanaka

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

@AnOrangeSNES

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

@Brampersandon_

“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”