Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*