Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
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I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
sry
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
monday
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.