Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, let them tweet.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
💯😂
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live