Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

#oldknees

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.