Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
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[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.