Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
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I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here