Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
You Might Also Like
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My blood type is coffee.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Just as the prophecy foretold
