Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
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My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
wtf management?!
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
#TopTip
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.