the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Jupiter
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.