@NicestHippo

Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article

You Might Also Like

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@Midgetspar

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

@thenatewolf

ME IN PUBLIC: I don’t believe in ghosts.

ME WHEN I’M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?

@patnelke

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

@prufrockluvsong

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

@Darlainky

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

@Sirrruh

I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission

@LMGinTN

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

@Holy_Mowgli

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kzam92″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3330737389/c7a4a78607de111ed90aad11a160d780_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”280225987420106753″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:61:”All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}