Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

that would 100% work on me

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead