Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.