Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”