Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I hate my earbuds.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up