Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

they really do be looking like this

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders