Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
You Might Also Like
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Feels
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
