Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
still the best tweet of the year by far
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.