Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken