Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
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Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
