Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it