Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
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Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route