Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here