Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!