Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

good morning

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

I know

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.